tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11575448.post114040828342903154..comments2022-03-27T07:33:10.961-05:00Comments on A Rainbow Flag In Narnia: What and who I am is not how I lookStevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13286849248756070621noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11575448.post-1140447592050842372006-02-20T08:59:00.000-06:002006-02-20T08:59:00.000-06:001) Listen to the wise elder and youngster who have...1) Listen to the wise elder and youngster who have spoken. <BR/><BR/>2) Two things come together for me in those comments. One, the need to go somewhere and just be another Bozo on the bus. Not as a mentor or someone with lots of experience to share -- in this arena you don't have that yet, although you can share what you have with us: your story thus far. Two, going someplace where you can be comfortable. I don't know if the Bears is that place, but it probably would be a place where you would find yourself attractive to others. Even if Bears are not your own turn-on, part of the healing from past hurts may take place as you see that you AS YOU ARE TODAY can turn someone's head. Who knows? You may find someone who clicks with you not BECAUSE he is a Bear, but because he is who he is. <BR/><BR/>My Partner and I didn't stumble into one another because of the way we look. And our heads still turn for different sorts of guys. He will say, "There's one of yours." I will describe someone as "You would have loved this guy." And the ones he points out for me don't look like him, and the ones I think he would love sure don't look like me.<BR/><BR/>Also, as far as appearances go, that is one of those self-perpetuating things. I know when I hated the way I looked, I didn't have the psychic energy to do anything about it. So I ate and drank more to kill the pain, just gained more weight and was less likely or able to do even basic exercise. Once I started losing weight, I became more conscious of feeling better, began to walk a little further, ate more healthily, bought better-looking clothes, smiled, felt better, and the good cycle could perpetuate itself. And thus I became the hottie that I am today. ;-) <BR/><BR/>So taking one small step each day can change the way you look at yourself, and over an accumulation of 24-hours, can change the way you look to others. And visits to the doctor become a lot less stressful, too! Better health and longer life are real benefits. And when you feel better about life, a longer one seems worth having.<BR/><BR/>Mainly, though, I want to second all the thoughts -- yours, GB's, Tom's -- about the time having arrived to just go have some fun. I know you too well to think you are going to go fall in bed with the first person who shows an interest, anyway. Go out there and enjoy yourself. When you are enjoying yourself, others will enjoy you, too.<BR/><BR/>(Phew! And I thought Tom was going on and on...)Michael Doddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00942287172727040371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11575448.post-1140444937800568662006-02-20T08:15:00.000-06:002006-02-20T08:15:00.000-06:00This is the kind of post I've been hoping to see c...This is the kind of post I've been hoping to see coming out of you as you loosen up and accept yourself more and more. Watching you grow into yourself has been a bit like waiting for the ice to start breaking up on a farm pond in the spring, watching the earth prepare itself for a new round of life.<BR/><BR/>All the years you've spent in the closet has had an effect on you. And the ice has to break up before the pond can begin another round of new life.<BR/><BR/>As I think back to the days when you were so strongly resisting coming out -- and I can remember several rather heat-butting conversations we had about it -- I, too, remember you saying this:<BR/><BR/><EM>When I was first considering coming out, one of my arguments to Tom and Damien went like this: "Let's see...I could either be an overweight, greying, middle-aged, under-endowed gay man, and put myself in line for all the abuse gays get. Or I could be an overweight, greying, middle-aged, under-endowed straight man, and skip all the gay bashing and prejudice. Either way, I'm going to bed alone, it seems..." That's why when I read GB's "Hell, you're not cute enough to be gay..." comment, it was like I got slapped with my own words.</EM><BR/><BR/>At the time, I thought that it was an excuse for avoiding the <STRONG>pain</STRONG> of coming out -- after all, there are plenty of overweight, greying, middle-aged and (presumably) under-endowed men walking around our neighborhood, and you knew that as well as I did. And a whole lot more men of all types and kinds who are not coupled, and live rich and happy lives, enjoying the company of friends. I thought it was lame, and I was, as I remember, pretty impatient with you about it.<BR/><BR/>But over the last year, as I've gotten to know you better, I've come to suspect that I was wrong in my initial reaction to the "Either way, I'm going to bed alone, it seems ..." line. <BR/><BR/>I've begun to wonder whether it was part of a pattern of behavior and attitude -- the weight, the insistence on being in a teaching role, and so on (we've talked about it face-to-face, so I don't need to talk about it here) -- developed since you were a kid, for avoiding the <STRONG>joy</STRONG> of coming out, that is, a pattern of behavior and attitude designed to keep you are arm's length from other men, allowing you to avoid the possibility of physical and emotional intimacy with another man. <BR/><BR/>It sounds to me, from this post, like you are starting to give yourself permission to think about possibility and potential for real intimacy, and not just "going to bed". The ice is starting to break up, and the potential of new life is starting to show itself.<BR/><BR/>As you know, we have different life histories. I was lucky enough to have had a love affair with another young man when I was in college, a man now dead and who I still miss. And I was lucky enough to have had a love affair with a woman that lasted almost thirty years, and which has grown into a new relationship since our divorce. And, of course, I stumbled into a relationship with your "other homo-mentor", almost by accident, and I'm looking forward to having my life unfold with him. So I did not have to share the struggle you face right now.<BR/><BR/>But I've faced my own struggles, as you know. <BR/><BR/>I am glad to see the ice beginning to break up. The ice breaking is an inevitable consequence of coming out, because the inner walls and defenses within us -- all ways to deal with our internal adoption of our culture's rejection of being gay or lesbian -- crack and fall away over time. As another friend put it to me when I was able to come out beyond the circle of family and friends, "Your limbs will get looser over the next year ..." <BR/><BR/><EM>But I definitely have to enlarge my gay social venues. ... I've got to get out and get "out" with some of the gay natives - and at least find some friends.</EM><BR/><BR/>Your instincts, it seems to me, are dead on. <BR/><BR/>You will, I suspect, need to make time for yourself for a while, spending less time sponsoring and mentoring, and finding things you enjoy doing with other gays and lesbians. I don't know what shape that will take for you -- maybe volunteer work, maybe the Windy City Squares, maybe gay/lesbian theater, who the hell knows -- but anything that will put you in contact with a wider circle of gays and lesbians will allow you to find your own way to be gay and put you in contact with other gays and lesbians of like mind. And from that, if Ann Landers is to be believed, friendships will grow.<BR/><BR/>Michael and I are moving to Wisconsin soon, and we are going to have to develop contacts and friendships in our new community, in the gay and lesbian community as well as in the larger community. As it turns out, I've had an opportunity handed to me, out of the blue. I've been asked to be a co-organizer of the Sauk County "BlockOut" group to defeat the proposed anti-marriage amendment that will be on the ballot next November. It suits me -- I've always loved political organizing -- and by the time the election comes around, I expect to know 30 or 40 gays and lesbians in the county, as well as a like number of straight folk who are gay friendly. My guess is that of the group, I'll "click" with four or five, and those friendships will be the beginning point for a wider circle of friendships that will develop over time.<BR/><BR/>That's how it works, anyway, according to Ann Landers. Get involved, and you will find people you like and who like you.<BR/><BR/>So give yourself permission to reduce, over the next year or so, the time you spend sponsoring and mentoring, the time you spend teaching and preaching over on your other blog, and so on. Don't abandon your present life entirely, of course -- balance in all things -- but shift your priorities and take the time to take care of yourself, moving away from the "roles" that have established the patterns of your closeted life and moving into life itself. The ice is breaking up, so let loose of the habits of bleak midwinter and go out and enjoy the coming of spring.<BR/><BR/>Do what comes natural.<BR/><BR/>I've been watching the Olympics a lot this past week -- men's figure skating and short track are sports I like to watch almost as much as NASCAR -- and a commercial has been running every so often that has, as a punch line: "<EM>So what are you waiting for? A written invitation to live your life? You've got one. It's called a birth certificate.</EM>"<BR/><BR/>I don't know what the ad is hawking, but the punch line is dead on.<BR/><BR/><EM>It'll be worth the effort - and the wait.</EM><BR/><BR/>Yup.Tom Scharbachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15397752812367691354noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11575448.post-1140441644614658972006-02-20T07:20:00.000-06:002006-02-20T07:20:00.000-06:00An interesting site, GB - and it might be interest...An interesting site, GB - and it might be interesting to see who shows up for Bear Pride in late May, even if bears (or otters) aren't necessarily my first choice...Stevehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13286849248756070621noreply@blogger.com