Monday, October 31, 2005

Some affirmation, and The Way I Was Made

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around.
I want to sing like no one’s listening.
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty.
I want to love like I’m not afraid.
I want to be the man I was meant to be.
I want to be the way I was made.

(Chris Tomlin, The Way I Was Made,
from the CD Arriving)
Today was an amazing, powerful day.

Recently, I'd been hearing a song by Christian song-writer and worship-leader Chris Tomlin - and it had been pushing me to actually take some action about the coming out process I started way the hell back at the end of last year. Then my dear friend (and coming-out advocate) Tom S. posted this powerful article about coming out - and I really started to realize how much I needed to stop talking about getting ready to think about preparing to come out, and just get "into action," as the text of recovery says.

So today, I came out to two of my AA sponsees - both of whom I had hoped would be open and affirming, but I just didn't know, you know? One I had known and sponsored for a year - in fact, I came out to him on his one-year sobriety anniversary. The other I've known for just a few months - but I really had not wanted to even discuss my orientation until both of them were on somewhat solid ground in their sobriety.

Both guys were completely cool - it was gratifying in powerful ways. Funny part was, unbeknownst to me, the one-year guy actually had another AA member out me over breakfast after a meeting last December (though I'd never actually come out to him), so it was a complete non-event. It was particularly gratifying to hear the words, nonetheless - I'd actually steeled myself to have either of them say, "That's fine for you, no problem - but I need to find another sponsor." I didn't prepare myself for that because I wanted it to happen - but I was expecting the worst, even as I was hoping for the best, I guess. Anyway, it was proof of the AA truism - I've lived through thousands of struggles and tragedies - most of which never actually happened.

In talking with Tom and his partner afterwards, it turns out that several other folks in our AA circles had already pegged me as gay, without saying anything. While I'm not overly surprised, I guess I am a little surprised...it's not like I'm walking around humming Barbra Streisand or anything. And I'm definitely the least in-shape, most fashion-impaired gay man I know...so it will be interesting to see what set their gaydar off.

There's loads more to write - but it's way too late to do it. So (early this morning) I just thank God for friends who encourage, and friends who accept, and a God whose love follows throughout this "great adventure."

5 comments:

  1. Glad to hear it all went well. As for what sets off gaydar, who knows. It's not the most reliable of senses, but even real radar and sonar have "ghosts".

    As for Barbra, I like a lot of Toby Keith songs, which would probably drive him crazy because I am a liberal fag. Not all the sterotypes fit.

    You will know you are truly out when you find yourself dancing on the sidewalk at an outlet mall to the music on the speaker system like I did on Saturday. I caught myself for a second, but then I just carried on. I don't think my Partner noticed, but I did get some startled looks from a few folks. The fun part is, who cares? I felt like tripping a light fantabulous, so I did.

    As Southwest Airlines says in their ads, "You are now free to move around."

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  2. ~You go, Ranbow Guy!~

    I really don't care for Streisand very much, although the furtive, longing glances at other men in public might be something of a give-away.

    Either way, count me among the friends who accept and encourage!

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  3. Came here via Tam's blog. Am straight, but with many gay friends (and maybe daughter) and am "open minded!"

    There are many things that set off "gaydar" it is hard to nail down one thing or another and really, it doesn't matter. It's all good for those of us who don't care one way or another.

    Anyhow - best of luck on your journey and with finding folks who are accepting. Hope you don't mind if I drop in now and then - I have a lot of down time at work and I just love to read about other's lives. Guess it is a voyerism )sp?) thing!!

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  4. i always thought liza minelli or cher were the girls of choice? no?

    this is astounding: I've lived through thousands of struggles and tragedies - most of which never actually happened.

    how true. how incredibly true. however, it is not limited to your orientation, that statement -- works for us straight girls, too, which is why i have pegged myself as one who *is troubled and worries about many things...*

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